Blame no one but Yourself

A common spiritual ailment many of us are going through is weak Iman.  It’s  a common complaint by many.  I had a similar episode just recently, in the midst of Ramadhaan in fact!  Not the best timing, but it happened.  It seemed like nothing was going right for me.  It made me feel very depressed and then the whispers of Shaytan started:  that Allah doesn’t love me, that I will never be successful at anything I do, that my Iman will never be strong… etc.  Such negative thoughts can be spiritually paralyzing, but it was Allah’s mercy that eventually I got out of it because in the end, I had only myself to blame.

Allah tells us:

Say, [O Muhammad], “If your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your relatives, wealth which you have obtained, commerce wherein you fear decline, and dwellings with which you are pleased are more beloved to you than Allah and His Messenger and jihad in His cause, then wait until Allah executes His command. And Allah does not guide the defiantly disobedient people.” [Surat at-Tawbah, 24]

How many times can you remember being “rebellious”?  When there was an obvious command of Allah that had to be fulfilled, and you decided not to fulfill it?  What if there was a Sunnah you refused to implement?  And here, I mean that you had knowledge of this command or sunnah beforehand, and it was not done out of ignorance.  Honestly, if we are rebellious and stubborn, we have only ourselves to blame for our lack of Iman!

Allah also tells us:

What comes to you of good is from Allah , but what comes to you of evil, [O man], is from yourself. And We have sent you, [O Muhammad], to the people as a messenger, and sufficient is Allah as Witness.  [Surat an-Nisa, 79]

This latest episode of weak Iman I experienced was in fact a good experience.  Or at least, I got an idea of how I can recover from it.  I should look back at my actions and see what have I done to displease Allah and caused me to become so hard-hearted, to the point where the Qur’an may not affect me, as well as Naseehah from my brothers and sisters.  I did see that there were many times where I was disobedient, my actions were not befitting of a true Muslim.  Also, we are taught to have the best thoughts about Allah, and so when we find ourselves spiraling down because of the whispers of Shaytan, let us remember that:

Indeed, Allah does not wrong the people at all, but it is the people who are wronging themselves.  [Surat Yoonus, 44]

This is a big one for me.  When I stop myself in the middle of the day to recount the kinds of thoughts which are going through my mind, the overwhelming majority of them are negative, especially about Allah.  I may think He doesn’t love me, that I am not worthy of His forgiveness and pardon, that I am just a hypocritical Muslim, that I am not sincere, and that I am amongst those who thinks she is doing good when in reality she’s not and that I am being tricked into thinking that I will have any chance of salvation from the Hellfire on the Day!  And writing this down, I can see how terrible and destructive these thoughts are!  Just these thoughts alone, if I let them go on for too long, would make me stop doing good deeds, despair of Allah’s mercy, and Allah forbid, perhaps die as a disbeliever.

But I don’t want to die a disbeliever.  I want to go to Jannah.  I want to be saved from the Hellfire.  I want Allah to have mercy on me.  I am in need of His mercy and His guidance.  I want to be rightly guided.  I want to have the zeal and the strength to do as many good deeds as I can.  I want Him to forgive my sins and give me the strength to leave a sinful life.

And know that among you is the Messenger of Allah . If he were to obey you in much of the matter, you would be in difficulty, but Allah has endeared to you the faith and has made it pleasing in your hearts and has made hateful to you disbelief, defiance and disobedience. Those are the [rightly] guided. [Surat al-Hujuraat, 7]

It is only Shaytan who puts these destructive thoughts into my mind, because he knows that’s what works—perhaps not this time.

If you disbelieve – indeed, Allah is Free from need of you. And He does not approve for His servants disbelief. And if you are grateful, He approves it for you; and no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. Then to your Lord is your return, and He will inform you about what you used to do. Indeed, He is Knowing of that within the breasts.  [Surat az-Zumar, 7]

If you are a Muslim, it’s because Allah loves you.  He loves that you would choose guidance and remain steadfast upon that.  He does not belittle any good deed that you do.  His mercy and forgiveness are vast, greater than any sin you could ever commit.

Say, “To whom belongs whatever is in the heavens and earth?” Say, “To Allah .” He has decreed upon Himself mercy. He will surely assemble you for the Day of Resurrection, about which there is no doubt. Those who will lose themselves [that Day] do not believe.[Surat al-An'aam, 12]

It is really Shaytan who wishes for you to fail, to consider your deeds and efforts worthless. He wishes for you to despair in the mercy of Allah, belittle your chances to earn His pleasure and enter Jannah.  It is Shaytan who wishes for you to fail, no one else.  Many times, these whisperings may even come in different disguises.  Perhaps it may be your upbringing!  Perhaps you grew up with parents who constantly belittled you and wreaked havoc on your self-esteem; if this is the case, you may not even identify that it is Shaytan who is playing with your mind, surrendering yourself to the notion that it’s simply how you’ve been raised, it has become your nature now and you have to live with it.  Whatever the case however, we have to learn to see through the fog and identify that it is ultimately all from Shaytan.

And Iblees had already confirmed through them his assumption, so they followed him, except for a party of believers.  [Surat Saba', 20]

It was important for me to jot this down because it had such a profound affect on me.  Let us not be quick to have ill thoughts our Lord before we have carefully analyzed our behavior and seen where we have been lacking.  For, if we do this, we will see that in the end, we have on one to blame but ourselves for our weak Iman.  That is the first step to bringing our Iman back up, and with Allah is all the Tawfeeq.


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ومن لم يذد عن خوضه بسلاحه        يهدم ، ومن لا يظلم الناس يظلم


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There will come a time when…

There will come a time upon the people when the Qur’an shall become ruins and disappear from their chests; they shall find no sweetness or delight in it. If they fall short in what they’ve been commanded with, they say ‘Allah is All-Forgiving and He is the Most Merciful’ and if they do what they’ve been prohibited from doing, they say ‘We shall be forgiven for we have not associated anything in worship with Allah.’ Their entire affair is covetousness with no truth or sincerity. They wear sheep’s clothing over the hearts of wolves and the best of them in his Deen ends up being the deceitful and hypocritical one.

[Abul-Aliyah]


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At the top of the news these days is the trail devastation the Monsoon rains of Pakistan have left behind in the past few weeks. Many of us have tried to lend a helping hand in one way or another, even it means spreading the word and encouraging others to donate in any way they can. Islamic Relief estimates that the devastation these floods have caused top the Haiti earthquake, the 2007 Tsunami, and the 2005 earthquake also in Pakistan combined!

Indeed the disasters keep getting worse, there is an unrest in the Earth, and Allah’s wrath is severe.

But our brothers and sisters who have and are braving through this are indeed fortunate. They may enter Jannah with ease because of their loss and their suffering, without being taken to acount much, if at all. It is us, who are lavishing in comforts, ease and luxury in this life who may suffer the biggest losses on that Day, unless we come to the aid of those in need and give this wealth we have its due right: to share it.

Let us be generous with our wealth and our du’as this month and may grant us the Tawfeeq to do so.


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Remaining Steadfast as a Parent

There are many parents out there who I’m sure we envy—in a good way.  They may have parents themselves who are well grounded in the Deen, just as their parents’ parents and so on.  These parents do an amazing job of raising their children to remain steadfast on the Deen and become great contributors and shining stars of this Ummah.

What happens though when you have not been so privileged?  I don’t come from a very religious family—or at least, I did not have a very “religious” upbringing.  Many of us may have come from families where we are the only ones who have tried to make a more concerted effort at becoming better Muslims, almost learning our Deen anew.  It is a very difficult struggle within and without the blessing and Tawfeeq of Allah, raising a family upon knowledge and steadfastness is equally, if not more, difficult.

I have to say no matter how hard I try, I know that deep down I can never reach the level of steadfastness these other amazing parents have reached.  Perhaps I can, but it’s so very difficult.  I keep dreaming that my children will be steadfast Muslims, helping me to strengthen my own Iman, but it seems like every day I feel that that dream is beyond my reach.  Perhaps it is not, but it’s so very difficult to work towards that dream.

The other day I was feeling sad about my lowly state and I complained to my husband who simply said, “Don’t think such thoughts, for they are from Shaytan.  All this means is that you just have to try harder.”  And this made me feel better.

I console myself by thinking that perhaps I have been chosen, like so many other parents, to be amongst those who simply have to work a little bit harder to reach my goal.  Ultimately, our pious predecessors struggled similarly, and Allah also chose them similarly.  And many of these amazing parents had parents who were amazing and so on, but the further back you go, you see that one of those generations naturally had to struggle more than others also.  So it had to start somewhere.  So the real question is not why, but when.  When will I seize this opportunity, look at it from a more positive light, that if I work hard now, I may reap many more rewards later?

Related Posts

The More Ordinary it is, the More Amazing

The Reward for a Person’s Toil


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Maintaining Consistency and Finding Joy

1.  In order to continue to do something consistently, even if it’s small, is to enjoy it every time you do it and concentrate on the act itself.  Once you focus your attention on the importance of staying consistent, you will stop doing that act.  So if someone wants to memorize the Qur’an or learn Arabic, it’s important that you enjoy what you are memorizing or learning at that very moment.  Build up excitement for each new surah or lesson.  That way, you’ll be done in no time!  For other acts of worship, which can only be done repetitively, the same concept can be applied:  enjoy it and concentrate on that act each time you do it, for as long as your attention is present, Allah, in turn, gives you full attention, and once you become disinterested, Allah, in turn becomes disinterested in you.   So when you do acts with joy and excitement, the benefits you achieve from doing the act with Ihsaan will motivate you to do it again.  Ultimately, if your Iman is strong, then you can make your body do anything.

2.  If an act of worship is difficult to do, then don’t let your mind think that it’s time to leave that act of worship because of its difficulty.  Instead, do it as many times as you can so that you develop the habit of it.  For fasting is easy when we’ve fasted regularly, for example.  Traveling regularly to attend a class or circles of knowledge is easier after some time, and not difficult like it was initially.  In the end, it simply takes patience and focus on the ultimate goal.  They say that the first level for seeking knowledge is hardship and suffering.  So this level must be overcome first in order to reap the benefits of that knowledge and taste its sweetness.

In the end, if one is not consistent and gives up when the going gets tough, it is because of two problems:  lack of patience and failing to find joy and excitement.

The following are excerpts from Sh. Salih al-Munajjid’s book on Khushoo’ in Salaah that relate to the points above:

“Khushoo’ in prayer happens when a person empties his heart for it (prayer), and focuses on it to the exlusion of all else, and prefers it to everything else. Only then does he find comfort and joy in it, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘… and my joy has been made in salaah.’” (Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 5/456. The hadeeth is in Musnad Ahmad, 3/128 and Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3124).

Concerning the virtues of khushoo’, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) also said: “Whoever does wudoo’ and does it well, then prays two rak’ahs focusing on them completely [according to another report: and does not think of anything else], will be forgiven all his previous sins [according to another report: will be guaranteed Paradise].” (Al-Bukhaari, al-Bagha edn., no. 158; al-Nisaa’i, 1/95; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 6166).

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) explained the things that help us to have khushoo’:  “Two things help us to [develop khushoo’]: a strong desire to do what is obligatory, and weakness of distractions.

When the slave stands up to pray, the Shaytaan feels jealous of him, because he is standing in the greatest position, one that is closest [to Allaah] and most annoying and grievous to the Shaytaan. So he tries to stop him from establishing prayer in the first place, then he continues trying to entice him and make him forget, and “making assaults on him with his cavalry and infantry” [cf. Al-Isra’ 17:64], until he thinks of prayer as less important, so he starts to neglect it, and eventually gives it up altogether. If the Shaytaan fails to achieve this, and the person ignores him and starts to pray, the enemy of Allaah will come and try to distract him, by reminding him of things that he did not remember or think of before he started praying. A person may have forgotten about something altogether, but the Shaytaan will remind him of it when he starts praying, so as to distract him from his prayers and take him away from Allaah, so that his heart will no longer be in his prayers, and he will lose out on the honour and reward of Allaah turning toward him, which is only attained by the one whose heart is really in his prayer. Thus he will finish his prayer no better off than when he started, with his burden of sins not reduced at all by his salaah, because prayer only expiates for sins when it is done properly, with perfect khushoo’, and the person stands before Allaah in body and soul.” (Al-Waabil al-Sayib, p. 36).

This will increase one’s khushoo’ and motivate one to follow their example. “If you were to see one of them when he stood up to pray and started reciting the words of his Master, it would cross his mind that he was standing before the Lord of the Worlds, so he would be filled with overwhelming awe.” (Al-Khushoo’ fi’l-Salaah by Ibn Rajab, p. 22).

Mujaahid (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “When one of them stood in prayer, he would be too fearful of his Lord to allow his eyes to be drawn to anything, or to turn aside or to fidget by playing with pebbles or anything else or to think of any worldly matter, unless he forgot, during prayer.” (Ta’zeem Qadr al-Salaah, 1/188)

It was reported that Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “You will only have from your prayer that which you focused on.”

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “My joy has been made in prayer.” So whoever finds his joy in prayer, how can he bear to look for joy anywhere else, or to keep away from it?

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Prayer is an occupation in itself.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Baari, 3/72).

Abu Dharr (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘Allaah continues to turn towards His slave whilst he is praying, so long as he does not turn away, but if he turns away, [Allaah] turns away from him.” (Reported by Abu Dawood, no. 909; Saheeh Abi Dawood).

Hassaan ibn ‘Atiyah said: “The two men may be in one congregation, but the difference in virtue between them is as great as the distance between heaven and earth. One of them is turning with all his heart towards Allaah, whilst the other is negligent and forgetful.” (Al-Waabil al-Sayib by Ibn al-Qayyim, Daar al-Bayaan, p. 36).

“When it comes to prayer, people are of five levels:

The first is the level of the one who wrongs himself and is negligent. He does not do wudoo’ properly, or pray at the right time or make sure he does all the necessary parts of prayer.

The second is one who observes the outward essentials of prayer, prays on time and does wudoo’, but he has lost the battle against his own self and is overwhelmed with waswaas.

The third is one who observes the outward essentials of prayer, prays on time and does wudoo’, and also strives against his own self and against waswaas, but he is preoccupied with his struggle against his enemy (i.e. the Shaytaan), lest he steal from his prayer, so he is engaged in salaah and jihaad at the same time.

The fourth is one who when he stands up to pray, he fulfils all the requirements of the prayer, and his heart is fully focused and alert lest he omit anything, and his concern is to do the prayer properly and perfectly. His heart is deeply immersed in his prayer and worship of his Lord.

The fifth is one who does all of that, but he takes his heart and places it before his Lord, looking at his Lord with his heart and focusing on Him, filled with love and adoration, as if he is actually seeing Him. That waswaas and those thoughts diminish, and the barriers between him and his Lord are lifted. The difference between the prayer of this person and the prayer of anyone is else is greater than the difference between heaven and earth. When this person prays, he is preoccupied with his Lord and content with Him.

The first type is punishable; the second is accountable; the third is striving so he is not counted as a sinner; the fourth is rewarded and the fifth is drawn close to his Lord, because he is one of those for whom prayer is a source of joy. Whoever finds their joy in prayer in this life, will find their joy in being close to Allaah in the Hereafter, and will also find his joy in Allaah in this world. Whoever finds his joy in Allaah will be content with everything, and whoever does not find his joy in Allaah, will be destroyed by his feelings of grief and regret for worldly matters.”

(al-Waabil al-Sayib, p. 40).


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Researchers see links between quality of life and living more realistically.

By STEPHANIE ROSENBLOOM
updated 8/8/2010 1:25:08 PM ET

She had so much.

A two-bedroom apartment. Two cars. Enough wedding china to serve two dozen people.

Yet Tammy Strobel wasn’t happy. Working as a project manager with an investment management firm in Davis, Calif., and making about $40,000 a year, she was, as she put it, caught in the “work-spend treadmill.”

So one day she stepped off.

Inspired by books and blog entries about living simply, Ms. Strobel and her husband, Logan Smith, both 31, began donating some of their belongings to charity. As the months passed, out went stacks of sweaters, shoes, books, pots and pans, even the television after a trial separation during which it was relegated to a closet. Eventually, they got rid of their cars, too. Emboldened by a Web site that challenges consumers to live with just 100 personal items, Ms. Strobel winnowed down her wardrobe and toiletries to precisely that number.

Her mother called her crazy.

Today, three years after Ms. Strobel and Mr. Smith began downsizing, they live in Portland, Ore., in a spare, 400-square-foot studio with a nice-sized kitchen. Mr. Smith is completing a doctorate in physiology; Ms. Strobel happily works from home as a Web designer and freelance writer. She owns four plates, three pairs of shoes and two pots. With Mr. Smith in his final weeks of school, Ms. Strobel’s income of about $24,000 a year covers their bills. They are still car-free but have bikes. One other thing they no longer have: $30,000 of debt.

Ms. Strobel’s mother is impressed. Now the couple have money to travel and to contribute to the education funds of nieces and nephews. And because their debt is paid off, Ms. Strobel works fewer hours, giving her time to be outdoors, and to volunteer, which she does about four hours a week for a nonprofit outreach program called Living Yoga.

“The idea that you need to go bigger to be happy is false,” she says. “I really believe that the acquisition of material goods doesn’t bring about happiness.”

While Ms. Strobel and her husband overhauled their spending habits before the recession, legions of other consumers have since had to reconsider their own lifestyles, bringing a major shift in the nation’s consumption patterns.

“We’re moving from a conspicuous consumption — which is ‘buy without regard’ — to a calculated consumption,” says Marshal Cohen, an analyst at the NPD Group, the retailing research and consulting firm.

Amid weak job and housing markets, consumers are saving more and spending less than they have in decades, and industry professionals expect that trend to continue. Consumers saved 6.4 percent of their after-tax income in June, according to a new government report. Before the recession, the rate was 1 to 2 percent for many years. In June, consumer spending and personal incomes were essentially flat compared with May, suggesting that the American economy, as dependent as it is on shoppers opening their wallets and purses, isn’t likely to rebound anytime soon.

On the bright side, the practices that consumers have adopted in response to the economic crisis ultimately could — as a raft of new research suggests — make them happier. New studies of consumption and happiness show, for instance, that people are happier when they spend money on experiences instead of material objects, when they relish what they plan to buy long before they buy it, and when they stop trying to outdo the Joneses.

If consumers end up sticking with their new found spending habits, some tactics that retailers and marketers began deploying during the recession could become lasting business strategies. Among those strategies are proffering merchandise that makes being at home more entertaining and trying to make consumers feel special by giving them access to exclusive events and more personal customer service.

While the current round of stinginess may simply be a response to the economic downturn, some analysts say consumers may also be permanently adjusting their spending based on what they’ve discovered about what truly makes them happy or fulfilled.

“This actually is a topic that hasn’t been researched very much until recently,” says Elizabeth W. Dunn, an associate professor in the psychology department at the University of British Columbia, who is at the forefront of research on consumption and happiness. “There’s massive literature on income and happiness. It’s amazing how little there is on how to spend your money.”

Conspicuous consumption has been an object of fascination going back at least as far as 1899, when the economist Thorstein Veblen published “The Theory of the Leisure Class,” a book that analyzed, in part, how people spent their money in order to demonstrate their social status.

And it’s been a truism for eons that extra cash always makes life a little easier. Studies over the last few decades have shown that money, up to a certain point, makes people happier because it lets them meet basic needs. The latest round of research is, for lack of a better term, all about emotional efficiency: how to reap the most happiness for your dollar.

So just where does happiness reside for consumers? Scholars and researchers haven’t determined whether Armani will put a bigger smile on your face than Dolce & Gabbana. But they have found that our types of purchases, their size and frequency, and even the timing of the spending all affect long-term happiness.

One major finding is that spending money for an experience — concert tickets, French lessons, sushi-rolling classes, a hotel room in Monaco — produces longer-lasting satisfaction than spending money on plain old stuff.

“ ‘It’s better to go on a vacation than buy a new couch’ is basically the idea,” says Professor Dunn, summing up research by two fellow psychologists, Leaf Van Boven and Thomas Gilovich. Her own take on the subject is in a paper she wrote with colleagues at Harvard and the University of Virginia: “If Money Doesn’t Make You Happy Then You Probably Aren’t Spending It Right.” (The Journal of Consumer Psychology plans to publish it in a coming issue.)

Thomas DeLeire, an associate professor of public affairs, population, health and economics at the University of Wisconsin in Madison, recently published research examining nine major categories of consumption. He discovered that the only category to be positively related to happiness was leisure: vacations, entertainment, sports and equipment like golf clubs and fishing poles.

Using data from a study by the National Institute on Aging, Professor DeLeire compared the happiness derived from different levels of spending to the happiness people get from being married. (Studies have shown that marriage increases happiness.)

“A $20,000 increase in spending on leisure was roughly equivalent to the happiness boost one gets from marriage,” he said, adding that spending on leisure activities appeared to make people less lonely and increased their interactions with others.

According to retailers and analysts, consumers have gravitated more toward experiences than possessions over the last couple of years, opting to use their extra cash for nights at home with family, watching movies and playing games — or for “staycations” in the backyard. Many retailing professionals think this is not a fad, but rather “the new normal.”

“I think many of these changes are permanent changes,” says Jennifer Black, president of the retailing research company Jennifer Black & Associates and a member of the Governor’s Council of Economic Advisors in Oregon. “I think people are realizing they don’t need what they had. They’re more interested in creating memories.”

She largely attributes this to baby boomers’ continuing concerns about the job market and their ability to send their children to college. While they will still spend, they will spend less, she said, having reset their priorities.

While it is unlikely that most consumers will downsize as much as Ms. Strobel did, many have been, well, happily surprised by the pleasures of living a little more simply. The Boston Consulting Group said in a June report that recession anxiety had prompted a “back-to-basics movement,” with things like home and family increasing in importance over the last two years, while things like luxury and status have declined.

“There’s been an emotional rebirth connected to acquiring things that’s really come out of this recession,” says Wendy Liebmann, chief executive of WSL Strategic Retail, a marketing consulting firm that works with manufacturers and retailers. “We hear people talking about the desire not to lose that — that connection, the moment, the family, the experience.”

Current research suggests that, unlike consumption of material goods, spending on leisure and services typically strengthens social bonds, which in turn helps amplify happiness. (Academics are already in broad agreement that there is a strong correlation between the quality of people’s relationships and their happiness; hence, anything that promotes stronger social bonds has a good chance of making us feel all warm and fuzzy.)

And the creation of complex, sophisticated relationships is a rare thing in the world. As Professor Dunn and her colleagues Daniel T. Gilbert and Timothy D. Wilson point out in their forthcoming paper, only termites, naked mole rats and certain insects like ants and bees construct social networks as complex as those of human beings. In that elite little club, humans are the only ones who shop.

AT the height of the recession in 2008, Wal-Mart Stores realized that consumers were “cocooning” — vacationing in their yards, eating more dinners at home, organizing family game nights. So it responded by grouping items in its stores that would turn any den into an at-home movie theater or transform a backyard into a slice of the Catskills. Wal-Mart wasn’t just selling barbecues and board games. It was selling experiences.

“We spend a lot of time listening to our customers,” says Amy Lester, a spokeswoman for Wal-Mart, “and know that they have a set amount to spend and need to juggle to meet that amount.”

One reason that paying for experiences gives us longer-lasting happiness is that we can reminisce about them, researchers say. That’s true for even the most middling of experiences. That trip to Rome during which you waited in endless lines, broke your camera and argued with your spouse will typically be airbrushed with “rosy recollection,” says Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside.

Professor Lyubomirsky has a grant from the National Institute of Mental Health to conduct research on the possibility of permanently increasing happiness. “Trips aren’t all perfect,” she notes, “but we remember them as perfect.”

Another reason that scholars contend that experiences provide a bigger pop than things is that they can’t be absorbed in one gulp — it takes more time to adapt to them and engage with them than it does to put on a new leather jacket or turn on that shiny flat-screen TV.

“We buy a new house, we get accustomed to it,” says Professor Lyubomirsky, who studies what psychologists call “hedonic adaptation,” a phenomenon in which people quickly become used to changes, great or terrible, in order to maintain a stable level of happiness.

Over time, that means the buzz from a new purchase is pushed toward the emotional norm.

“We stop getting pleasure from it,” she says.

And then, of course, we buy new things.

When Ed Diener, a psychology professor at the University of Illinois and a former president of the International Positive Psychology Association — which promotes the study of what lets people lead fulfilling lives — was house-hunting with his wife, they saw several homes with features they liked.

But unlike couples who choose a house because of its open floor plan, fancy kitchens, great light, or spacious bedrooms, Professor Diener arrived at his decision after considering hedonic-adaptation research.

“One home was close to hiking trails, making going hiking very easy,” he said in an e-mail. “Thinking about the research, I argued that the hiking trails could be a factor contributing to our happiness, and we should worry less about things like how pretty the kitchen floor is or whether the sinks are fancy. We bought the home near the hiking trail and it has been great, and we haven’t tired of this feature because we take a walk four or five days a week.”

Scholars have discovered that one way consumers combat hedonic adaptation is to buy many small pleasures instead of one big one. Instead of a new Jaguar, Professor Lyubomirsky advises, buy a massage once a week, have lots of fresh flowers delivered and make phone calls to friends in Europe. Instead of a two-week long vacation, take a few three-day weekends.

“We do adapt to the little things,” she says, “but because there’s so many, it will take longer.”

Before credit cards and cellphones enabled consumers to have almost anything they wanted at any time, the experience of shopping was richer, says Ms. Liebmann of WSL Strategic Retail. “You saved for it, you anticipated it,” she says.

In other words, waiting for something and working hard to get it made it feel more valuable and more stimulating.

In fact, scholars have found that anticipation increases happiness. Considering buying an iPad? You might want to think about it as long as possible before taking one home. Likewise about a Caribbean escape: you’ll get more pleasure if you book a flight in advance than if you book it at the last minute.

Once upon a time, with roots that go back to medieval marketplaces featuring stalls that functioned as stores, shopping offered a way to connect socially, as Ms. Liebmann and others have pointed out. But over the last decade, retailing came to be about one thing: unbridled acquisition, epitomized by big-box stores where the mantra was “stack ’em high and let ’em fly” and online transactions that required no social interaction at all — you didn’t even have to leave your home.

The recession, however, may force retailers to become reacquainted with shopping’s historical roots.

“I think there’s a real opportunity in retail to be able to romance the experience again,” says Ms. Liebmann. “Retailers are going to have to work very hard to create that emotional feeling again. And it can’t just be ‘Here’s another thing to buy.’ It has to have a real sense of experience to it.”

Industry professionals say they have difficulty identifying any retailer that is managing to do this well today, with one notable exception: Apple, which offers an interactive retail experience, including classes.

Marie Driscoll, head of the retailing group at Standard & Poor’s, says chains have to adapt to new consumer preferences by offering better service, special events and access to designers. Analysts at the Boston Consulting Group advise that companies offer more affordable indulgences, like video games that provide an at-home workout for far less than the cost of a gym membership.

Mr. Cohen of the NPD Group says some companies are doing this. Best Buy is promoting its Geek Squad, promising shoppers before they buy that complicated electronic thingamajig that its employees will hold their hands through the installation process and beyond.

“Nowadays with the economic climate, customers definitely are going for a quality experience,” says Nick DeVita, a home entertainment adviser with the Geek Squad. “If they’re going to spend their money, they want to make sure it’s for the right thing, the right service.”

With competition for consumer dollars fiercer than it’s been in decades, retailers have had to make the shopping experience more compelling. Mr. Cohen says automakers are offering 30-day test drives, while some clothing stores are promising free personal shoppers. Malls are providing day care while parents shop. Even on the Web, retailers are connecting on customers on Facebook, Twitter and Foursquare, hoping to win their loyalty by offering discounts and invitations to special events.

For the last four years, Roko Belic, a Los Angeles filmmaker, has been traveling the world making a documentary called “Happy.” Since beginning work on the film, he has moved to a beach in Malibu from his house in the San Francisco suburbs.

San Francisco was nice, but he couldn’t surf there.

“I moved to a trailer park,” says Mr. Belic, “which is the first real community that I’ve lived in in my life.” Now he surfs three or four times a week. “It definitely has made me happier,” he says. “The things we are trained to think make us happy, like having a new car every couple of years and buying the latest fashions, don’t make us happy.”

Mr. Belic says his documentary shows that “the one single trait that’s common among every single person who is happy is strong relationships.

Buying luxury goods, conversely, tends to be an endless cycle of one-upmanship, in which the neighbors have a fancy new car and — bingo! — now you want one, too, scholars say. A study published in June in Psychological Science by Ms. Dunn and others found that wealth interfered with people’s ability to savor positive emotions and experiences, because having an embarrassment of riches reduced the ability to reap enjoyment from life’s smaller everyday pleasures, like eating a chocolate bar.

Alternatively, spending money on an event, like camping or a wine tasting with friends, leaves people less likely to compare their experiences with those of others — and, therefore, happier.

Of course, some fashion lovers beg to differ. For many people, clothes will never be more than utilitarian. But for a certain segment of the population, clothes are an art form, a means of self-expression, a way for families to pass down memories through generations. For them, studies concluding that people eventually stop deriving pleasure from material things don’t ring true.

“No way,” says Hayley Corwick, who writes the popular fashion blog Madison Avenue Spy. “I could pull out things from my closet that I bought when I was 17 that I still love.”

She rejects the idea that happiness has to be an either-or proposition. Some days, you want a trip, she says; other days, you want a Tom Ford handbag.

Ms. Strobel — our heroine who moved into the 400-square foot apartment — is now an advocate of simple living, writing in her spare time about her own life choices at Rowdykittens.com.

“My lifestyle now would not be possible if I still had a huge two-bedroom apartment filled to the gills with stuff, two cars, and 30 grand in debt,” she says.

“Give away some of your stuff,” she advises. “See how it feels.”

This article, “But Will It Make You Happy?,” originally appeared in The New York Times.

Copyright © 2010 The New York Times


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Neglecting Yourself

Many times we get into a situation where we have the opportunity to enjoin good and/or forbid evil, but we may not take this opportunity because we find ourselves at fault, that basically we have not practiced what we preach.  However, you have an obligation to enjoin good and forbid evil on yourself.  As long as this is the case, then enjoining good and forbidding evil is not so uncomfortable.

Do you order righteousness of the people and forget yourselves while you recite the Scripture? Then will you not reason? [Surat al-Baqarah, 44]


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The first pangs of grief…

There was no ground below my feet…

Nor was there the sky above my head.

I was living in a different world.

Why won’t I sigh when in sorrow…

There will always be smoke where there is fire.

*heard it from a movie :P


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A Muslim is Sacred

I had been meaning to actively participate in the Janazah committee’s work at our masjid.  alHamdulillah, I was given that opportunity and have attended now two Janazahs, preparing the body for burial, etc.  Besides the reminder of death, the shortness and reality of this life, there was one thing that really struck home the first time I went and that was, how sacred the Muslim really is.  I appreciated our Deen a lot more because of the respect, honor, and compassion that is due from us upon the dead.  Regardless of what the person did, they are special, because they are Muslim, and their honor is forever sacred.

Abu Bakra reported that (in the Farewell Address) Allah’s Apostle (may peace be upon him) said: Time has completed a cycle and come to the state of the day when Allah created the heavens and the earth. The year is constituted of twelve months, of which four are sacred; three of them consecutive, viz. Dhu’l-Qa’da, Dhu’l- Hijja and Muharram, and also Rajab the month of Mudar which comes between Jumada and Sha’ban. He (the Holy Prophet) then said: which month is this? We said Allah and His Messenger know best. He (the narrator) said: He (the Holy Prophet) remained silent for some time until we thought that he would give it a name other than that (by which it was known). He said: Is it not Dha’l-Hijja? We said: Yes. He (the Holy Prophet) said: Which city is this? We said: Allah and His Messenger know best. He (the Holy Prophety remained silent until we thought that he would give it another name. He (the Holy Prophet) said: Is it not the Balda (the city of Mecca)? We said: Yes. He said: What day is this? We said: Allah and His Messenger know best. He (the Holy Prophet) remained silent until we thought that he would give it another name. He said: Is it not the Day of Sacrifice? We said: Allah’s Messenger. yes. Thereupon he said: Your blood, your property (Muhammad, one of the narrators, said: I think, he also said this) and your honour are sacred to you like the sacredness of this day of yours, in this city of yours, and in this month of yours… [Sahih Muslim]


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